We're going to see Wicked! tonight!! I'm so excited!!!!
My mom bought me the soundtrack four years ago for my birthday and I instantly fell in love with it! Then, my boyfriend at the time and I decided to try our luck with the Wicked lottery, and we won!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it when they called my name. I was so surprised! I never win things like that. Never say never! It was AWESOME! I loved every second of it!
Well, my parents and Luke still have not seen it, and that just is not acceptable! So, for Christmas I decided to get us tickets to go see it! I was so excited to tell them! I wrapped up different PEZ characters from The Wizard of Oz for each of them and a note that said, "Get ready for a fantabulous night of fun! We're going to see Wicked!" It was so fun to see the surprise on their faces! Christmas really is my favorite! My mom's reaction was the best. She's so excited which makes me really happy.
This post is in memory of Lillian Bishop. (I'm already starting to cry, bah!)
This is the first time I've written about Lillian since my freshman English course at Utah State University. We were asked to do a free write one day and not even think about what we were writing but just let the pen move. I wrote about her. At the end of class I read it out loud to everyone. I cried while reading of course. Even though it had been almost a year the pain was still so raw. I saw a few classmates wipe away a tear or two. It was very emotional. I wish I knew what I did with it. I was inspired by that to use her as a topic for an assigned paper. I think it was the best paper I've ever written. My professor asked if he could keep it and I let him thinking I would still have the copy on my computer. I don't. :( I wish I did. I had forgotten I used a friend's computer to write it. So, six years later, I'm writing about her again.
Today is her birthday. I wonder if you still celebrate birthdays in heaven. Perhaps you celebrate deathdays. Not to come off as morbid or anything, but wouldn't that be kind of the equivalent to your birthday? I mean, the day your born is the day you begin your life on earth. The day you die, you begin the next part of your life in heaven. Totally sidetracked though.
Happy Birthday Lil. I don't even know how old she would be. All I know is that she will have been missed for 7 years on the 22nd. Time does heal pain but it certainly doesn't erase it. I never thought it would feel like so long ago. I remember after she passed away being so angry and so upset that time could just keep ticking when it felt like the whole world should stop without her. I couldn't understand how life could keep going and things could keep functioning when she wasn't there anymore. She was dead, and we were all still living. I still think about how different things might, well, would be if she were still here. How Susannah would still have a mom and that we would still be neighbors. That my mom would still have a friend next door too. How different Susannah's life may have been over the last 7 years. If you're reading this Zana, I love you SOO much!
Lillian was a wonderful, strong, stubborn woman with a beautiful heart. She was truly unique. I think she spanked me more than my mom did! She often called me a "smart ass" and I actually miss it! She'd smack my butt and then call me that in the most endearing way possible. She loved her family so much and would do anything for them. I think she always got her way too. I remember getting home from school and she'd be sitting on the couch watching some lifetime movie in her spandex shorts and life was good. I drove her nuts because if Zana invited me to stay for dinner I always had to ask what they were having and then ask my mom what she was making so I could choose the best one. I remember Lillian finally refusing to tell me what they were having until after I decided where I was going to eat. I think that's really funny as I look back on it, but man was I frustrated at the time. I didn't know what to do! haha. Lillian was definitely a force to be reckoned with, but you couldn't feel safer if you had her on your side. Another Lillian quote, "Don't let the assholes get you down". She was very insightful! haha. But really, I do think of that a lot.
I hate that I know I'm forgetting things about her and that her memory is growing more distant. I don't like that when I think of her, I think of her death and how much my heart breaks to know that I still have my mom and my best friend doesn't. It's not fair. I'm afraid I remember her death and what happened after she was gone more than her life and when she was alive. Maybe some of that is how old I was.
I remember coming home from school on Friday, September 13th, 2002 and knocking on Zana's door with Joe standing next to me. Lil opened the door and I knew something wasn't right. She said she had something she needed to tell me. She called Susannah in from the backyard and we all sat down in the living room. She then proceeded to tell me/us that she had been diagnosed with cancer. She had to do more tests to find out more information. I didn't know how to react. I had no idea that in a little over four months she would be gone. To be honest, the next four months were really a blur.
The cancer was in stage 4 and progressed rapidly throughout her body. She was constantly in and out of the hospital. I remember we went to see her there on halloween. In the end she was so thin and was barely there. I remember not wanting to go see her but knowing I had to so that I could say goodbye. I stood next to her and took her hand in mine and felt how cold it was. She didn't open her eyes and I don't know if she was awake, but I hope she heard me. I told her, "I love you. Goodbye." And my mom and I walked away. I never saw her again.
A few days later I left for school in the morning and noticed Zana's car still in the driveway. I knew something was wrong. She always left before me. I went to school and asked everyone if they had seen her. Choir was second period and I asked the teacher if Zana had been there that morning. She said no, and I started to panic. She let me use the phone and I called my mom to see if she had heard anything. Nothing. I asked her to call a few other people to see if they knew anything. They didn't. I remember sitting down and I not hearing a single thing the teacher said. I couldn't stop thinking about Zana and Lil. I don't know how much time passed before there was a knock on the door. I knew it was for me. It was my mom, and she asked if she could take me out of the classroom. I got my stuff and went out the door with my mom and saw my dad standing there. That's when I knew. They told me Lillian had passed away and we all embraced. To be honest, I can't remember if I cried then. I remember walking out of school and to the parking lot with my mom and dad on either side of me, but I don't remember what I was thinking. I think it was shock. It was over. Lillian was gone.
I remember spending most of the rest of the day next door with Susannah. I can't tell you what we did or what was said, because it's all a blur. And I feel bad that I don't remember more detail. I know it was Joe's 18th birthday and he came over at some point. There was a cake and I think we put candles in it and tried to sing happy birthday, but it wasn't very happy. I don't even remember if I ever got him a present.
There was a memorial service/party for Lil. It was at their house and the madrigals sang "Circle of Life". I hated it. People talked about what they loved most about her. I wish I could remember what they said.
A small group of us met at Pier 39 and took a boat out under the Golden Gate Bridge to spread her ashes. As her ashes were scattered into the bay "Amazing Grace" was playing. That's all I remember. Everything is so hazy.
Alex Moore sang the Josh Groban song "To Where You Are" for Musical America that year and Susannah and I couldn't listen to it without crying. Most of the time we had to just go outside so we couldn't hear it.
It still makes me cry because it reminds me of her. Lil, "I know you're there, a breath away's not far to where you are".
I should be going to bed, but I don't think I'm going to be able to fall asleep. I have a busy day tomorrow, but there's SO much on my mind! Not to mention how anxious I am about tomorrow. I don't want to broadcast what may or may not be happening in my life, but let's just say I have the opportunity for a huge break tomorrow which could lead to some big changes in my life if all goes well. I'm so nervous! I've never done anything like this before!
I'm missing a number of people right now. People I'm close to but aren't in my everyday life and people I used to be close to but am not anymore. I think something I struggle the most with in life is letting go of people I've cared about and/or have loved. When all is said and done I still care about them. And it drives me nuts when these people I care about make choices or do things I don't understand. For example, dating someone that is not good enough for them, and wanting to talk to them about it but they won't listen. I just want to scream at them, "What are you thinking?!?! Don't you know you deserve better?!?!" Or when someone you were close to just stops talking to you, and all of a sudden you're not really a part of their life anymore or they a part of yours.
Why is it that when I don't have work and actually feel like going out there's nothing going on? For example, tonight.
I left the house yesterday without any mascara on for the first time since I was like 16, and worked all day without putting any on. I NEVER let people see me like that! I guess I was just too tired to care. Oh and I didn't shower either, haha! Way to start the new year, right?
There are NO date-able guys here. If you know of one, please inform me!
I miss living with people my age and the social interaction.
I got my biggest paycheck EVER this week! Working like crazy actually paid off! Half of it went to credit cards, some to savings, and I think I'll buy myself a new year's gift too. =D I'm thinking either Chanel Chance or some new heels.
I got to see my good friend, Mike, over the holidays which was SO nice. I love him! It was a little bittersweet though because as much as I loved spending time and seeing him again, it made me miss Danny, his brother and my estranged friend.
Speaking of estranged friends...what's up with people no longer being good friends after you move? I've been really irked at some people from LA whom I thought were my good friends but now seem to have no regard for my feelings. True colors people, and they're not pretty. I wish I could go into detail, but I think it's better if I don't.
